Consensus
by consensus
Summary: If GLaDOS was anything other than an all-powerful AI, she was bored, thus comes to mind an idea for an interesting experiment, gathering the most odd, diverse and fascinating humans she can locate from the multiverse, she begins the 'Time-experiment for homicidal-tendencies' testing initiative. Only what she receives is nothing like she would expect. Crack: Multiverse
1. Prologue

**Prologue – Boredom**

If GLaDOS was anything right now, she was bored.

The AI was as snippy and pissy as a personality uploaded into a computer could possibly be. She still found herself babysitting her murderer, the woman – girl, GLaDOS found a better label for the orange-clad brunette (Maybe, once, a long, long time ago, her hair had been black. Maybe, before she went rolling in mud puddles down in old Aperture) – who was currently curled up in the corner of her main chamber chewing on her portal gun despite specific warnings not to look at the operational end of the device, or to submerge it in liquid, even partially, or to never ever under no circumstances—bzzzzzzttttt. That part of her mind had somehow been permanently deleted, for a long time; though GLaDOS wondered if it ended with 'stick it in your mouth like a retard monkey'.

"Take the operational end of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device out of your mouth, you brain dead child," the queen of Aperture Science scolded, somewhere between irritated beyond belief and vaguely motherly. Not truly _concerned _for the literally brain damaged girl, but _someone _had to keep her from covering herself in conversion gel and portal-ing herself.

The part of GLaDOS who was Caroline was worried for the only person she could consider her friend, and also rather embarrassed that they had to intervene midway through the above situation.

The girl glanced, wide-eyed and practically adoring, at the AI. She pulled the portal device out of her mouth, tilted her head and placed the gun to the side, before turning her attention to the blonde android sitting next to her, watching her with interest.

Caroline would not let GLaDOS dispose of Chell or Wheatley and most of the cores – who much to her own distaste refused to leave her be – were also too fond of her. They would not allow her to put Chell through any more tests in her condition, either.

But GLaDOS was _bored! _And what is the simple solution to boredom?

Throw some weighted cubes into some gel, unauthorise some turrets on their way through transport and herd them through an emancipation grill, throw some antiques from old Aperture into an Emergency Aperture Intelligence Incinerator? GLaDOS becomes crueller when bored, the kind of cruel that does not come with a conscience (except, perhaps, with Chell. But that is never to be dwelled upon), though it turns out you can only dick around with Aperture Science equipment (and the poor sentient pieces of metal and plastic) for so long before it loses its charm.

It has lost its goddamn charm.

What GLaDOS needs to do is acquire some new test subjects.

* * *

_A/N: Welcome to our serious crack fic, Consensus. Currently we have Portal, Death Note, Adventure Time, South Park and Dragon Age all shoved together into one fic, but we will add to this as it continues to spiral into insanity. Anyway, enjoy~_

_(P.S. "Eli" here is pronounced like "Ellie", not "Elii", before that starts up.)_

_ - Elspeth and Jade_


	2. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1 – Welcome, to Aperture Laboratories. **_

Eli

"What the hell did we _do _last night?" I mumble, unimpressed with the pounding against my skull, the twisting in my gut and the general groggy quality of my limbs. That is _never _a good sign.

Everything is disorientating, and though I think I can hear voices I cannot tune into them and they mean nothing in the long run, anyway it is not like I can tell if the buzz-like hum in my ears is just my head or the pieces of a machine whirring together perfectly, like all the little clockwork and electronic creations Wolve and I spend half our lives on.

My mouth feels like it is full of cotton as I scour my memories for a sliver of last night.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I peel my eyelids up with great difficulty and automatically smash them back closed. It is ridiculously bright and white and the glare pierces my eyeballs like shards of glass, right into what is left of the functioning part of my mind. I groan because I recognise this.

Hangover.

God fucking damn.

I certainly do not remember drinking or taking anything, though that means little in this position. All of last night is a giant blackout. But I know how much I can drink without causing _this _to happen. I have alcohol tolerance! And self-restraint! I haven't been hungover in literal years!

"Wolve?" I grind out, rubbing circles into the sockets of my eyeballs, attempting to alleviate the pain throbbing there. If she is here (she always is, in a situation like this) then she will probably know something. One of us always has to.

"Mmm?" she mumbles sleepily and something warm shifts off my leg. I had not noticed past the hangover, but Wolve had obviously fallen unconscious over me. Nothing out of the ordinary for us.

I shrug, knowing she definitely has not bothered opening her eyes yet. Wolve would have started to complain if she had. "Just doing a head check."

She makes a vaguely affirmative noise.

"Alistair? Zevran? Other assorted Grey Wardens? Burdens to our cause? Anyone?" I don't get an answer, so I just pry my eyes open and attempt to sit up.

"Shit."

The glare from before? The room we are in is actually white. Brilliant white, all metal and glass and harsh bright light.

"Wolve? Not only have we become separated from our team but… there isn't a place anything like this anywhere _we _would ever end up, is there?"

"Well if I could think past the neurotoxin, then I'd tell you, Eli." She mutters.

"Neurotoxin?" I roll my eyes, of course Wolve is thinking along those lines. She is married to an assassin for god's sake.

I feel her shrug rather than see, "Well what else? …Did we get our cake, Elivana? Because if we got gassed and we _didn't _get our cake… those bitches are going to get it."

"Cake? Gassed?"

She shrugs. "We've definitely been gassed."

"Well I knew I wasn't moronic enough to get hungover. I'm in my twenties, I have experience with this kind of thing." I bitch softly, much less irritated now that I can shift the blame of my aches and discomfort onto someone else. A kidnapper, quite possibly. Or a gang. The Crows? ("They're still pissed as hell with us aren't they, Wolve?" "Well Zevran _still_ hasn't taken care of them. Incompetent fuck.") Dunno, something that is not me. I can handle that.

Wolve chuckles, knowing what – and more accurately _who _– I am referencing. She becomes solemn again , "But on a serious note… cake? Where is it?"

A vague memory drifts to the surface of my currently pretty much useless brain. We got mail (when do we ever get mail?), suggesting in a very formal, very _official _manner that we travel to what we soon discovered to be an abandoned warehouse, with the promise of cake (and adventure, we haven't had one of those in a while, ey?) in return. Wolve really, really loves cake, so our decision was a no brainer. The moment we entered the warehouse, however, there was a high-pitched hiss and blackness.

God I hate it when this happens.

I glare at my sterile, white surroundings. Wolve and I aren't so used to white. Aren't so used to 'clean' either, well not anywhere near this extent. It feels like a hospital or some sort of research facility, the kind with crazy scientists and sentient ectoplasm green goo and weapon developing squads specifically for the US government. The kind of place that according to all 'official' records never existed yet there are still abounding conspiracy theories. Which is the epitome of awesome, if I am being completely honest.

The place smells like antiseptic, general chemicals and people. And glancing down, what do I find? People.

Brilliant.

Turns out I am wearing an orange jumpsuit, and Wolve – still half asleep with the heels of her palms digging into her eyes – is wearing a matching one, patches on the front that declares "Aperture Laboratories" in bold black letters, with an accompanying circle made of black triangles all pointed inwards.

"Hey Wolve, Aperture Labs means something, doesn't it?" I wonder aloud.

"Myeh…" shuffling and grumbling, "Fr'm'a game. 'think."

"Huh," I shrug, "After the Dragon Age debacle, I'm not surprised."

There are people besides Wolve and I, all wearing the same Aperture Laboratories orange jumpsuit. I count them: six. Six people. All male. Well, five people, one dog that is neither orange nor yellow but somehow both. There are two brunettes, a noirette (I notice he is handcuffed to one of the brunettes with much amusement), a teenager whose jumpsuit included a hood that masked all of his features and a kid. We are a rather odd group, especially piled up in a corner of a relatively large room. I need to know why we are here, who brought us here.

"'Ello? Uh… you… the one who's moving more than the rest? Are you… are you alive?"

I spin around. So distracted had I been by the gassing and the cake and the whiteness that I had neglected to even check all the corners. Rookie mistake, but hey, long time no danger. My heart speeds up at the new voice and I cannot help but grin. I really have missed this.

Behind me is a… my first thought is that he is not human, and it is not even the eyes that are so vibrantly blue and glowing that they _have _to be lit from within, soft dark blonde hair that looks like baby bird feathers, a texture neither Wolve or I had managed to gain even after Leliana's styling; Honestly it is not the glossy quality to his skin that screams artificial, the flaws running down his perfect cheeks – almost like you could pull the whole lower part of his face away– or even the brightly lit optic in his chest (it is fully functioning, and watching me intently while his eyes trail almost uselessly around the room, glazed over). No, he just exudes an otherness, the same type that trickled down my spine and through my limbs when I first met elves – with Wolve. In Ferelden. Fun times – because they looked almost _exactly _like humans and yet… they just weren't the same. It was simply a feeling, not the ears or the tattoos and clothes and such that were so foreign.

This man is some kind of robot. I am sure of that, though I certainly am no expert on robots and tech, being more interested in weapons that can still be used even if society collapses, but I know someone who is.

Completely ignoring the short brunette woman chewing on his arm with wide, spaced out eyes, I answer him, "Me? Well, I hope I'm alive."

His optic brightens, and his face does so a fraction of a second later, though appearing more like a reflection of the original expression than what it should. All three of his 'eyes' squint for a moment in what appears to be concentration and his pale lips part. I hold a hand up to stop him from speaking, and he presses his mouth back together in a hard, affronted line.

"Wolve? There's a robot dude here. Wanna come see him?" I ask.

Before I can finish – about the moment I say 'robot' honestly – Wolve is on her feet, eyes wide and sprinting past me. She collides with the blonde-haired man, knee ramming into the brunette woman still attached to him. The spaced out lady relinquishes hold of the man and hits the white floor with a strangled yelp, glaring up at Wolve. That look there so obviously translates to 'this woman is competition, I must end her,' that I have to laugh.

Though he rocks backwards, he easily supports Wolve's weight. "Sooooo… you're an android," she pokes at his optic curiously, almost flirtatiously; (It probably is her flirting, despite being married with a child.) "What's your name?"

"Wheatley…" he answers nervously, moving backwards and closer to the brunette woman, "And the non-smelly human is Chell."

Chell beams up at him when she hears her name and Wheatley pulls her to her feet.

"Okay, Wheatley," Wolve continues, still inspecting him closely, prodding his chassis and not sparing Chell a glance, "VI or AI?"

Wheatley took another, larger step back, "I'm an AI. Would you mind, uh, you know, stopping that? You're making me, um, a bit uncomfortable, pointy-eared human."

Wolve nods, folding her hands behind her back and rocking on the balls of her feet. "Artificial intelligence. So you have feelings, you can learn. Awesome. Who created you? Am I allowed to meet them?"

"They're dead. And, before you ask, neurotoxin. They were neurotoxin-ed. No need to ask, little pointy-eared human. Not that I remember much about them. Just questions. Questions, questions, questions. And laughing. Lots of laughing, didn't really get it, I didn't make many jokes… or any. But mostly questions." He answers.

Again Wolve starts to ask more questions but is interrupted by an ear-splitting train horn. Everyone in the room jumps to their feet wide-eyed, whether they had been completely out of it or not. Wolve and I share a displeased glance, hands clamped soundly over our ears. The thirty odd seconds of obnoxious noise feels like much longer, and a chorus of relieved sighs is heard the moment it stops.

An instant later a cold, synthesised, but definitely female voice reverberated through the room, "Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science computer aided—"

"So where the-" A train horn bursts through the speakers again, short and obviously covering up a certain word. "-are we? What's with all this-"Another train horn, everyone glares at one of the brunettes, the shorter and fatter (by a lot) of the two, demands.

The voice all but sighs, "That is what I was trying to tell you, fat boy."

"I'm not fat I'm just—"

"Our file says so. Right here, under 'other attributes': Eric Cartman's mass outweighs his stupidity. Just. By a finite amount. But it says so, here, that his mass is somehow greater than his idiocy. Which I find particularly impressive."

Cartman's face goes a colour that is almost fire truck red, and he waves his arms and works his jaw in rage, but cannot get a word past his lips.

"As I was saying, you have been selected for testing in the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Centre. Congratulations-"

Wheatley jumps forward, finally finding a place to interrupt. "But uh… GLaDOS, what's wrong with your voice?"

I glance over at the android, Wolve still staring at him in awe as a long silence filters over the intercom, slowly a new voice comes on, or more likely, GLaDOS returned with a much more humanized voice. "Happy Moron?"

"I – AM - NOT – A-" Wheatley immediately starts up before the woman, Chell, begins making a weird yipping sort of sound, obviously recognising the voice, pushing past the android and shoving Wolve down as she stares up at the camera that I had only just noticed, expectantly, a long computerized sigh drones over the radio, and a quiet murmur rises around the room, but it is otherwise silent.

"As you are all too poor to have met each other on a limo ride over, I request that you get to meet your new…. Companions and choose a team mate for the co-operative testing initiative, though it appears two of our team mates have already chosen partners." The camera swings to the taller brunette and the noirette, as do all the eyes in the room. The two boys look down at their handcuffed wrists and shrink under their combined gazes.

"That's really not a bad idea, Jake!" the kid says to the dog, excitement radiating from them, "Then we can be super best friends!"

"No Finn! Remember level fifteen? We aren't going there! _EVER!_ " the dog cries back (we've seen crazier than talking dogs. So myeh). Finn's face goes tomato red at the comment. "See that? It was in italics! That's how serious and dramatic this is!"

The voice comes back, "No breaking the fourth wall in my facility. I have had enough of my walls broken by that moron" – ("Hey!") – "Besides, I already feel as if I have been replaced by some unseen forces. Plotting…"

Silence.

"Well, that was deep," Cartman mutters sarcastically.

"Aaaaanyway before you 'socialise', let me introduce Orange and Blue. They're mine; unfortunately, I can't seem to dispose of them."

"We have names, GLaDOS!" Wheately snaps.

At the same time Wolve inquires, "I thought they were called Wheately and Chell?"

"No," GLaDOS states, "Their names have been redacted."

"But that's not—"

She ignores him and continues, "You may, however, call them Derp and Moron."

"BUT I'M NOT—"

"You have 86.7936729363 seconds to confer: Begin."

"I'm Eli," I offer, "And this is Wolve. We're adventurers." I half-wave and Wolve grins and flings her hands about in a way that I only consider 'a wave' because I have known her for so long.

The child, the one with the white hat on and the arms and legs of his jumpsuit rolled up so there was no chance of him tripping, beams, "I'm Finn!"

"And I'm Jake!" Adds the dog.

I glance at Wolve and she shrugs. Nodding back we shake their hands.

"We're hardcore adventurers too!" Finn exclaims at a pitch only available to a boy before puberty... or a girl.

"I'm not," Cartman grumbles.

The boy with the hood rolls his aquamarine eyes, and when he speaks it is muffled into and unrecognisable pulp.

"Can you repeat that?" Wolve and I ask in sync.

"He said that he and Cartman used to be, technically, but now Cartman's just a cock. His name is Kenny McCormick." The noirette replies, sounding less than uninterested. He slouches worse than I do, hands shoved into the pockets of his jumpsuit and the bruises under his eyes are almost as black as his onyx irises.

The brunette he is handcuffed to nudges him with his foot and shoots him a look. The noirette glares back at him. They stay there eyes locked furious, until I wander over and tap them on their shoulders.

"You're my OTP now, I've decided." I state, grinning. Behind me I hear my raven-haired best friend groan, but good-naturedly.

The noirette's brow furrows and his lips tug down into a scowl. The brunette's caramel eyes widen fractionally and he asks what on earth that even means. "I'll explain later, Light-kun." The man with the awful posture says, softer than before but eyes hard and begging him to shut up so they can just get on with it.

I nod, victorious, "This is what I'm talking about! You just had a conversation via nudging and eye contact. As a fangirl that is all the evidence I need."

Wolve sighs again and Kenny chuckles and nods. As I turn back to ask the handcuffed boys what their names are I watch him walk over to Wolve, pull his hood down slightly and I could tell by his posture he was hitting on her.

"No." I heard Wolve say simply – not a full no though, with the obvious implication that she'd be more interested in pissing off her husband when there wasn't a time limit – before the caramel-haired boy answers.

"My name's Light Yagami," he flashes me the widest, most brilliant smile I have ever seen. One of those ones that could literally blind a person. "And my companion here is…" Light sends the man beside him a questioning look and he replies with a raised eyebrow and a cocky twist of his mouth. "This is L."

I turn to L but gesture in Light's direction, "Is he flirting with me?"

L shrugs nonchalantly, "He does that with everything that moves. And some things that don't. You'll get used to it like I had to."

Before any more awkward conversation broke out a loud train horn interrupted the easy flow of chatter that had come up.

"Testing shall now begin, take your partners and enter one of the following doors each."

Kenny winks at Wolve before being dragged away by Cartman who brings him to the centre of the room and grumbles something about refusing to do anything. But Kenny ignores him, mumbling something into his hoodie. Finn and Jake high five extravagantly before dashing into the first room. Light and L glance at their handcuffs again before entering another room, and before Wheatley can stop her, Chell glances up from her chewing and runs into a test chamber. Wheatley screams in shock before racing after her, tripping over his absurdly long legs and slamming into the ground with a groan before getting up just as hastily and continuing his chase. Wolve had somehow appeared behind me, whipping off her jumpsuit jacket with a fierce glare.

"Lingering in the Hub too long before tests will result in minus Science collaboration points." GLaDOS scolds.

Wolve intensifies her glare before grabbing my hand fiercely and dragging us through the last testing door available, Cartman and Kenny remaining in the centre of the room.

As the doors closes behind us we hear a groan, "Do not worry, fat stupid boy and 'the immortal', I will create another test chamber for you. Just a moment."

Elevator music starts blaring from unseen speakers.

And then, mumbles, "According to my database those two are my 'responsibility'. _Why _do I have to look after them?" there was exasperation but also resignation in her tone.

* * *

A/N: Due to our pathetically small prologue and awfully long A/N's, this chapter is a gift. ^.^ Two in one day! Impressive!

Updates from now on will probably be once every month/two months. It all comes down to what we can handle while juggling year eleven.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter II – Let the tests… begin! **

Test Chamber 1 – Finn and Jake

"I'm thinking 'Team Science!" Finn cries as the elevator lowers them into a square white room with a single red button and a cube nearby. Jake nods determinedly as he steps out after Finn. It seems simple enough, put the cube on the button, door opens, walk through, there is even a helpful dotted line leading from the button to the door. Done.

"This isn't even a test! We can do this!" Finn cries ecstatically as soon as he sees it, he doesn't seem to care that they have been lured into a place controlled by a giant AI that is a little less than kind to her patrons, there probably wasn't even going to be a prize at the end of the dungeon, not that it really was a dungeon, it was a set of testing chambers, all for 'science.' Jake knew what science was, it was what PB did, with all the vials and liquids to see what they did, and zombies, though all of Candy Kingdom knew what they did at this point in time. This was putting a cube on a button, to find out what? What happens when you put a cube on a button?

But Finn has already achieved the task and is doing his "science dance" by the door as he waits for his buddy to clomp over. "Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit of the test, this is called an emancipation grill, this is to prevent bringing unauthorized equipment through to further tests."

"Congratulations on completing the test. You have earned ten science collaboration points."

"Go Team Science!" Finn cries, running up the stairs to the room up ahead. Jake leaves his misgivings – and a smashed camera – behind the grill and stretches after him.

That damn cake better be real though.

Test Chamber 2 – Light and L

L starts tugging at his ridiculous looking shoes. GLaDOS explains via the intercom system that they are called long fall boots and were given to them for a reason.

"What do they _do, _GLaDOS?" Light probes, beaming flirtatiously at the camera as if this would affect her answer.

GLaDOS shyly chuckles, and you can hear a blush in her tone. L stares at the camera disbelieving, thoughts along the lines of _how did that even work? It never goddamn works for me! _

"No," her voice goes back to being cold and hard.

_I was right! Knew it. I win! _"Light-kun, GLaDOS is an AI. _Artificial Intelligence. _Do you really think she'd care if a… moderately attractive boy like yourself flutters his eyelashes at her?"

"Well it works on you."

L just glares.

"Not in my test chambers." GLaDOS interjects, "It's way too early in this plotless fic for romance. Besides, I delight in incinerating romantic interests."

"… … … I'm in love with L, by the way." Light declares.

"KIRA! KNEW IT! KNEW IT! _KNEW IT~!_" L accuses.

Light waves a hand placatingly in the noirette's direction, lips curling up in a soft smile. "I was kidding, Ryuu-kun, kidding." He coughs, and L knows he is covering up a chuckle, but decides not to even try at this point.

The closest thing to a giggle that could possibly come out of the speakers, did, "I am warming up the neurotoxin transmitters, stoner and whore. You are the whore, Light Yagami, I just thought you should know that."

"That was a tactful way of GLaDOS making us get back to the test, _Kira. _But this seems too simple. Shouldn't there be some kind of trick?" L muses.

Light nods, "Which is what I was thinking."

L refuses to look at him, but tugs him via the handcuffs over to the cube to closer inspect it.

"I can give you two clues to this test," GLaDOS comments, "The first is in reference to the cube. It is an Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube."

"Storage?" the boys glance at each other and then attempt to pry it open.

GLaDOS sighs, "The second is that this test was built to be completed by imbeciles. Monkeys and imbeciles. Many monkeys and imbeciles have completed this test in an eighth of the time you have taken. … Derp and the moron have already completed this test."

Light complains that his fingers are all torn up the moment the lid flicks open. It just so happens that the 'lid' was actually the side the cube had been resting on. The boys share an excited glance and peer into the box.

"The child and the dog have already completed this test."

L nudges Light, "There's writing on the inside of the lid!" And sure enough, in muddy red letters is a scrawled message: _Better safe than sorry!_ "Ummm…?"

"Ryuu-kun, there are condoms in the bottom…"

"The fat kid and the dead kid have completed this test. … wait! What?"

"Condoms, a ten pack, hey, there not out of date yet- Wait? Dead kid?" Light asks, morbidly curious.

"Well…he _was_ dead."

The noirette glares at Light, "What do you mean 'was'?" L inquires.

A small silence as a light hissing fills the room. "Ah, the neurotoxins online… The sterile one and death row have already completed this test."

Condoms forgotten, Light throws the cube at just the right angle and the camera hits the ground. "Vital testing apparatus destroyed."

"What did you go and do that for?" But Light just shrugs. "Look, let's just put the cube on the button. The AI did say imbeciles have completed it faster than us."

"You want some private time?" GLaDOS chuckles, "Just remember I was not lying about the neurotoxin."

They ignore her, retrieve the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube and place it on the huge red button. The door opens.

"Yeah… maybe we overthought this…"

Test Chamber 3 – Chell and Wheatley

Chell is unresponsive at the best of times, she will drag his old body around with her, its uses varying from a teddy bear to a football and a chew toy. He is appalled to see the approximation of his corpse mistreated like this, but she seems happy.

"Welcome to test chamber one of button-based testing." GLaDOS intones over the intercom, using her old synthetic voice. Chell looks up with an odd twinkle in her eye before shuffling over to where the cube is. "Classical music will be played during the duration of this test to ensure a calm testing environment." Wheatley swallows, sighing deeply as the very same tune he had played for Chell when he was in control of the facility made its way through the intercom.

"Ignore… just ignore it—Chell! What are you doing! We're not even meant to _be _here! We shouldn't be here at all, no. Did GLaDOS say run into the test chamber? No, I didn't hear her say that! So why did you run in here with no clue whatsoever what you were doing?" He scolds, rushing over to her as she drags the cube along the ground silently. He places his hands firmly on the object and she looks up.

"Nnnyem." She replies, nodding blankly as if she saw right through him.

"We've discussed this Chell—Big girl words, like 'Apple.' Go on, say 'Apple.'" He pushes.

"Skig." She barks before returning to drag the cube over to the button.

"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! You don't know what that does!" Wheatley screams, racing the two feet over to Chell, spectacularly tripping over his own feet again and face-planting on the button. The door opens.

"Fredge!" She laughs, climbing off Wheatley's back and grabbing onto the camera as she leaps off. It breaks in a shower of sparks and she giggles hoarsely before running off.

"Coming Luv." Wheatley mutters into the floor, lifting himself up. Immediately the door closes and the camera port sparks pointedly.

"I'm fairly certain there was a specific order _not _to let her test." GLaDOS growls. Wheatley whimpers, dusting himself off as he picks the cube up. "A _very _specific order."

"You didn't help much with that did you then, all that 'Welcome' crap." He snarls.

GLaDOS's light chuckle suggests she was smiling innocently over the intercom. "I was assuring a comfortable testing environment, hence the music."

"It wasn't very comfortable for me."

"See? Everyone wins!" GLaDOS laughs as Wheatley puts the cube on the button and manages to not trip as he follows Chell along the awaiting hallway.

Test Chamber 4 – Wolve and Eli

"GLaDOS, I'm afraid I do not know how to complete this test." Wolve announces as loudly as she can from where she sits on the ground, not even paying attention as she fiddles with the wires of the broken camera. "It's too difficult." She adds, hooking up the wires in a different pattern as Elivana passes her the main body of the camera, now reshaped.

"It's a basic test, if you cannot complete it, then I'm afraid you will have to be terminated." GLaDOS informs the two test subjects who are doing an excellent job at trying her patience.

"That sounds like it's from a movie." Elivana laughs, helping Wolve hook her device up. "Action… thriller."

"Romance." Wolve chuckles.

"Horror." GLaDOS supplies in an unimpressed monotone. "Tragedy… I've been meaning to make more recordings of my subjects, if only I had more cameras."

Wolve doesn't appear shaken, she just laughs and keeps working on her little project, they both know the answer to the test of course, whether they choose to complete it is another thing altogether. They are performing a test of their own, how long can they try the AI's patience compared to how fast Wolve can suck up to her, though it is fervently denied by Wolve that any sucking up is involved. "But… I can't see the solution GLaDOS, can't you help us out?"

"No." The room returns to the quiet sound of Wolve tinkering, Eli ever present to assist in Wolve's obsession. Then finally. "What are you doing?"

"We don't know." Elivana moans, working diligently beside Wolve. "This test… it's just too much, you're too smart for us."

"The audio in that camera isn't cut, you're doing something with it."

"Now it is." Wolve smirks, tugging a wire out of its socket carefully; there is a buzz of static over the intercom then silence.

They have dealt with danger before, with dragons and witches and darkspawn and assassins, if anything, this seems easy. But they both know that a one audio bug is just stupid, there is another one in the room and GLaDOS will just play dead until they solve the test. "Want me to look?" Elivana whispers. Wolve shakes her head, tightening a bolt in between her fingers before sitting the object on the ground, replugging in its audio and newly repaired video feed.

"—nd if you don't do it—what's going on?" GLaDOS's voice suddenly breaks into the chamber.

Wolve smirks, "Upgraded your camera!"

The pride in her face fades slightly as the camera wobbles unsteadily on its three brand new crab legs. It scuttles to the right slightly, swings to the left (the crab legs bowing slightly under the pressure), collides with the wall and then finally collapses on itself, legs curling inwards like a dead cockroach. The lens smashes with a pretty tinkling sound and shards of glass trickle like confetti down to the sterile floor.

"Well," Wolve laughs, "It's just a prototype… work in progress!" She assures, picking it back off the floor and checking for anything salvageable, the camera light glows eerily with life but otherwise refuses to move. "It just needs a lot more work."

"You… turned it into a retarded moving camera?"

"Nah! It's an Aperture Science Unstationary Observation Device: Or an ASUOD if you like." Elivana proclaims proudly, standing up indignantly.

"Just because you in all your awesome can't control it yet doesn't mean that it's retarded, it's got the intelligence of a dog." Wolve pouts, collapsing on the button sadly. The door shifts open.

"Oh!" the girls exclaim in unison. They glance at each other and nod.

Elivana strides over to the cube and kicks it hard in the direction of the door. "These boots are-" Train horn –"-awesome!" she says, continuing to shove the box. She lines it up with the door and grins at Wolve.

"Team Science?" Wolve asks and her friend agrees.

She gets off the button and the door slides smoothly closed. It hits the cube and before Wolve can get to the door it has shot out of the room and they're trapped again. Cube-less.

"Damn." Eli mutters.

Another cube drops down and they cheer. Repeat the process. They lose another cube. They attempt it _again. _And a fourth time. The fifth Elivana almost loses her fingers with the cube. The sixth they decide Eli should sit on the cube, and Wolve dives onto it too a second before the door stops sparking against the cube and shoots them off. Through a translucent panel of sorts that GLaDOS calls an 'emancipation grill.' The cube emancipates. Elivana and Wolve fly down the stairs and end up landing hard on their arses.

"That was fun, ey?" Eli grins.

Wolve nods.

GLaDOS groans, "Five Science Collaboration points for ingenuity."

Test Chamber 5 – Kenny and Cartman

GLaDOS doesn't respond for a minute, but instead of speaking again a panel in the floor slides open and Kenny and Cartman plummet down.

Cartman lands on his feet on a red button with the grace of a newborn llama. He stumbles but he notices his legs aren't broken. He has had enough bad falls (worse falls, even) to know his legs should be at least fractured. Not like he's complaining. Much.

Kenny somehow (GLaDOS has no idea how he managed it) lands head first, neck cracking against the edge of the single cube in the room.

"Goddamn it Kenny!" Carmtan growls, hearing the snap of his friend's neck and watching a trace of blood slip through his lips, "Why do I have to do _everything _myself?"

He walks over to the cube, kicks Kenny off it and drags it back to the button. At the same moment another Kenny tumbles from above and lands on his dead self. "What? Not even an _Oh my god! You killed Kenny!_?" he mumbles through his hoodie, and years of knowing him is all Cartman needs to understand.

"That's for the Jewfag and the hippie freak. I honestly don't give a-" Train horn.

"I'd call this a paradox," GLaDOS states as Cartman places the cube on the red button and Kenny wanders over to the door, "But… I am worried for my mental health right now." Her voice softens slightly, "And you, immortal. I like you. There's no need to reassemble you."

Cartman frowns as they walk out and GLaDOS explains the emancipation grill.

"Really?" Kenny mumbles, "Give me a moment then!" he runs back into the test chamber.

"Sooo," Cartman starts, "Paradoxes, huh? As in, like, this sentence is—"

GLaDOS interrupts swiftly, "Do you remember that drop of yours, a few minutes ago? That was a pretty long way to fall, don't you think? If you like I can drop you further. All the way through my facility. That might be fun, mightn't it? All the way down to the incinerator and your instant demise. I think I would enjoy that."

Cartman clams up.

Kenny comes back, his dead self propped on his shoulder. He throws him through the incandescent particle field and chuckles as his body disintegrates. "So my corpses are unauthorised. Nice to know."

Cartman rolls his eyes, bitching about Kenny's 'antics'. The hooded boy follows and is instantly emancipated.

"No, you are just unauthorised."

Cartman keels over laughing.

Wolve

Everyone stares as they tumble to a stop in the elevator room, Finn and Jake quickly return to watching the screen from where it peeks from behind a panel, showing multiple camera views of the different testing tracks, Chell has begun chewing on a small metal orb as Wheatley shuffles awkwardly beside her, Cartman is laughing over at Kenny, who seems less than impressed, and Light and L appear to be the only ones who haven't completed the test.

"Wow! Team 4 and 5 are tying for second!" Finn cries. "That's you Wolve and Elivana! And… you Eric and Kenny!" He exclaimed. "Blubalooby! We're still in first place! Go Team Science!"

"Hey! We're Team Science!" I cry indignantly. "We dibsed it!"

"We completed the test first lady!" Jake argues.

"Fine." I pout. "We're Team AI's are really sexy then." I poke my tongue out and if GLaDOS wasn't distracted by the only test subjects who haven't completed the overly simple test, then I'm sure she would have commented.

"We are?" Elivana asks.

"Yes." I reiterate, even more determined than before.

"Pfft. That name sucks." Cartman snarks.

"Mmph?" Kenny asks. He mumbles something else and a loud train horn sounds over the intercom.

"I'd like to remind you that there are children present." GLaDOS calmly intercedes, I snort, half understanding what he had said through his jacket.

"What did he say-" Finn starts, Jake covers his mouth with one paw.

Kenny mumbles something again, indignantly. Cartman snickers as a train horn, once again, cuts him off. "How about team Train Horn? That seems to be the only sound I allow you to make." GLaDOS suggests coldly. Kenny mumbles again. "Filthy minded human. Fine, Team Train Horny. Pleased?" A short grunt, Cartman glares up at the camera.

"How come he gets to choose?" he whines.

"Because I play favourites. Now shut your fat mouth, orphan."

"I'm not an orphan!"

"Well, you are useless. Why else would your father abandon you?" – ("Low blow," Kenny chuckles) – "And now your mother has signed you over to us. You are officially a ward of the state. An orphan."

"I am not you fat-" Another train horn.

"You are, it's right here in my files, Eric Cartman; abandoned by his father and then his mother: An Orphan." GLaDOS reiterates, Cartman's face goes a bright red.

"No-one cares about your-" The Train horn bursts into the room, by now the group had all covered their ears. "-Files!" He screams.

"I do, I'd like to check 'em out actually, it'd be fascinating." I purr, Wheatley adopts the blush that has been discovered was _not _impossible for the android, GLaDOS falls silent. "Oh, is that dirty? Meh, you only live once."

"Whatever it is, I'm up for it." Elivana giggles.

"Mmph." Kenny agrees.

A computerized sigh comes over the intercom as Light and L walk in, oddly embarrassed, Finn is chuckling, obviously having watched how they completed the test, Jake snorts. "Glad you could join us Team 2."

"Oh my god, you should be Team L!" Elivana declares ecstatically, jumping to her feet and clapping her hands. L smirks, obviously pleased that he had the group name under his belt. "Because your names both start with L!" She laughs and L's face falls for a moment.

"Still named after me." He whispers to Light, shuffling with the boots. Light ignores him.

"Since you all insist on having team names instead of your appropriate numbers, allow me a moment to add them to the list." A number of beeps is heard and everyone gathers around the screen. We had 20 points, even with Kenny and Cartman's team, who had come up as 'Train-horny.' Next to our names was 'Ai's are really sexy.' In front was Finn and Jake with 30 points, now 'Team Science!' Followed by Chell and Wheatley, on 15 points, now labelled 'Team 1-d-1-0-t.' I chuckled as Wheatley pouted beside me.

"GLaDOS! Why is that our name? We didn't choose that and you know how much I hate numbers!" I glance over at him, it seems the insult passed right over his head. "What about Team Awesome? Or Team GLaDOS? Or Wheatley? Or Chell?" He pouted, Chell wasn't paying attention, too busy trying to tear off the handle to the metal ball in the corner of the room.

"You belong to me, therefore I chose for you. Orange, I need to speak to you by the way." Chell looks up just as a panel slides away from under her, Wheatley screams out in horror and runs over, tripping over his own feet again just as the panel closed behind her.

A moment of silence.

"Please proceed to the next test." Her voice is clear and concise, as if nothing had just happened. "Team 1-d-1-0-t, your partner will be returned to you shortly.

A loud wailing is heard over the intercom, it promptly shuts off.

Wheatley sniffles and I pat his back. "She'll be back."

* * *

_A/N: Chapter 2~ Sorry we took so long, one (both) of us forgot the password to, uh... everything. Um... yeah. (throws chapter and runs)_

_- Jade and Elspeth_


End file.
